Ok…… so I was insane enough to sign up for match.com a few weeks ago, just to see. I mean, come on…. I was curious. Plus the dating scene in the Midwest SUCKS. Ok… and so maybe the three cups of coffee I had just consumed also likely played a role in my signing up during a study break. So I signed up…. yeah I admit it. And here are a few observations I have made…. 1) The Indian boys on match.com that “wink” at Indian girls—-   it ain’t the boys. It’s their parents. Winking is free…..Indian parents are cheap…. Put two and two together. So, here’s what I have to say to these parents: if ya really wanna to find a wife for your son on match.com, don’t wink. The smart girls will figure it out, mock your son for not having any social skills, then mock him for needing Mommy and Daddy to find him a wife…. and then move on. Also…. don’t write one sentence e-mails…. those are dead giveaways that he’s not the author…. and the poorly written, grammatically incorrect collection of words further decreases your son’s value on the Indian (or any other) dating market. Trust me….no girl with half a brain will write back. That and the fact that most girls will cross check for them on shaadi.com and find ‘em. They might also mock them for the info they find on shaadi.com. Observation #2: Watch out for the lurking Unabombers. So I once went out with this guy from match.com who I remember thinking ”too cabin in the woods.” Next thing I know…he wants to build…. a cabin in the woods…..  in Montana. ’Nuff said about this one.   Observation #3: Match.com is set up to FAIL. Anyone that thinks it is gonna work for them is well….. NAIVE.  Let’s face it…. if match.com actually worked…then it would be a very unsuccessful business because slowly the demand for it would be lost. The point of match.com is help you FAIL at dating. That’s right Dr. Phil, I figured out your secret!!!!!  If you really wanna find your match, save your money and spend it on something more tangible.    Observation #4:  Another note for you DESI parents: Chances are any Indian girl with a personality you wink at will find you to be their worst nightmare. Think that scene from Bend It Like Beckham, you know the one where a dejected Jess is spinning around with a pot on her head and sees these Indian faces leering at her as she realizes that she’s lost the most important thing in her life and that there is no waking up from her nightmare. And yes…… you really do look that gaudy. Bright red, purple and blue with heavy gold bling wasn’t meant for most people. Think simpler, and classier and consider the use of makeup that more closely matches your skin tone. Observation #5: Advice for you brainy girls out there.  Beware of the guys who don’t have goals….. they also lack personalities. And will probably want you to just settle. So if they can’t envision the state of their career….. head for the restroom and climb out the window. It’s way better than lowering your standards.  Let the nearest society girl pick them up.  That’s all for now…….   Actually, no wait…here’s a shameless plea I’d like to send out to my aunts and uncles in India for my upcoming trip here.  Please, please, please don’t take me jewelry or clothes shopping. The necklaces are heavy, they hurt to wear, they scar my skin. The earrings don’t fit in my pierced ears. And it is all ugly. Plus I would never be caught dead in any of that stuff, especially after my mom pulled me aside once and told to never wear Indian clothes. Instead, save your money and earn my immense love and gratitude by taking me shopping for music CDs. I’m gonna go attempt to cook dinner now. Wish me luck. J 

People are freaks! Why the hell would anyone get up at the butt crack of dawn in 13 degree weather to stand outside a CLOSED Circuit City? I mean, come on, now, even I have better things to do with my time.

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